I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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