does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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