I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
