What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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