my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
