Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
