There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
