there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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