If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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