The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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I want to be your penis for a week.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...