i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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