I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
