btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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