I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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