Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
