did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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