whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
