38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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