i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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