The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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