Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
