I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
