Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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