I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
