I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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