i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
