I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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