so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
