I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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