the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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