she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Bring me that man meat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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