Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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