Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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