my phone needs a breathalizer
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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