You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
