cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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