i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
