yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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