Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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