uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
