She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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