some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped