Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
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The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!