I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...