if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
