Taylor Swift is so right about you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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