Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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