Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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