i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
