come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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