I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
