Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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