Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
