that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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