Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
