Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
