I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I fill condoms, not promises.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
