If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
