Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
